honestly i'm feeling a bit scared right now.

i think it must be the fact that i'm going in to get surgery for my kidney stone. with it measuring in at an impressive 1.15 cm long and .55cm wide, it's definitely a force to be reckoned with. anyways, there are a bunch of long details that i can post, but i'd much rather just talk about what the surgery has got me to think about. my roomates prayed for me tonight (russ and grant[which was a huge blessing]) and during the prayer i started thinking about my life and if i had everything straightened out yet.

i think the thought of going to sleep and not waking up, just scares me. :sigh sigh: i guess this is pointless worrying and is of pitter patter in the grand scheme of things. why should i worry about my life when i realize that it isn't mine to begin with.

one thing is sure to be going on though, is that i will now make the most of my time with my friends that i haven't shared my faith with.

on the first run through, i figured everyone who i know and care about, knew that i loved them and that everything was fine. then i started to think again, and flipped the script on everything asking myself (i even asked grant) what if you knew the last words you would speak would be to your parents, what would you tell them?

and this got me to think. . . what would i want to say to them? i guess the standard for me would be "i love you, thank you, and i couldn't have asked for better parents." then i thought about what would God say about that? i'm sure it wouldn't be bad, but instead, i feel that i should probably challenge them and tell them they need to go evangelize more. on the real tho, i've been thinking about how can i put God as the pursuit of my life and understand that all i need to do is worship him before anything else.

i think the last things anyone says, is usually remembered because it's like the end of your run here on earth and it definitely figures to have some weight to it. i mean if you could say one thing, would you proclaim your undying love for someone (probs unrequited love), would you say how you love your friends and family, or would you try to make peace with those whom you haven't yet...(the list does go on, just examples)

being that this is how it is. i'm going to start writing letters to everyone that (i deem) to deserve to know how i would leave this earth and what i would say to them. i think that this would then lead into a lot of letters, but i think that it would honestly do a lot of good. i think there's so many people that i would have to write to, i wouldn't know where to start, but honestly, there's never a better time to start. i might cap this off after my hand starts to hurt. or if i'm straining to think of stuff to say. either way, i know that it would definitely benefit myself to know i got to say the things i needed to say.(i might cap each letter to 3 paragraphs...) {i'll think of the logistics tomorrow after my surgery.}

in all, i see that my life has to bear weight enough to have made a small dent into the history of mankind, but not necessarily someone like jim elliot or even abe lincoln, but more into the current lives of a few. probs more than i think...esp. after watching (its a wonderful life)

anyways, i need to sleep because i'm going to need it for tomorrow.