I move onward, the only direction.

Can't be scared to fail, searchin' perfection.

I've concluded that everyday i want to make myself better than i was at the beginning of the day.  And then looking back on my life, i'll see the desired change.


let me say that i've wanted to change multiple times in my life, although, not much change ever happened. i had no drive or motivation deep down. explains why i was kind of indifferent regarding life/school everything.


there are a few categories that i'm going to be trying to place my effort:


1. Losing Weight
2. Putting in my 110% at work
3. Upping my game
4. Traveling
5. making God "the from, through, and to."

you want something, but you aren't willing to put in the effort to do it the right way to get it.

i've always wanted the shortcut. the easy way. 

i wanted the crown w/o the fight.


which translates into my rep/character...cuz i want the same respect that others had to sacrifice for: the $, time, or effort that goes into the fact that i want props where props aren't deserved

lesson:
don't skip steps, or else, you be trippin.

it's decent. edited. worthy of a shout out.

"i be going HAM, shawty, upgrade from baloney" lolol.

over the course of last year, one of my best friends was talking to me about life and she was just telling me about her life and how's she's changed, matured, and grown spiritually. i was happy for her, but i didn't really understand what she was talking about. that was until i experienced the process known as maturity [and it's crazy stuff. crazy like a fox.].

tbh, i can't agree with her more. this past year coming out of college, working, etc. i have learned and grown in so many different ways. it's kinda weird, and i'm just grateful that it's finally happening.  maturity, feels so good.

&yeah, i'm feeling on top of the world.

Thus cue God to insta-deconstruct my ego.

i was at disneyland last night and i nearly lost my wallet. it had come out of my back pocket while exiting the train at big thunder. i noticed it was gone while reaching to buy a water at the gate walking out. i couldn't freaking believe it was not there. i was frantic. our group split to check indy and thunder. mike and carrie went back with me, and thankfully, they had it at thunder. OMG. i couldn't believe it. Praise God.

3 things stood out to me during this process:

1) mike saechang pointing me towards the cross - he did this by saying a prayer asking that God would look out for me and that they would have my wallet - then after when it did happen, just saying to me, "see we ask and we'll receive" this whole process made a great impression upon me. not like chiding or scolding me in the situation for my negligence, but encouraging me towards Christ in the moment. awesome. just awesome.

2) time is precious - just the gross feeling of thinking about replacing everything within the wallet. it's not really the money within the wallet that would've hurt the most, but the time that i'd lose because of replacing the items within it. - time is just so precious, i hate losing minutes to things that can be avoided. after working for a little bit now, i've realized that time has to be managed wisely because i have so little after work/sleep; thus having flexibility in any situation is necessary.

3) coming back to the place of humility before God- knowing that at any moment, i'm able to be instantly humbled by the creator / savior of this world. in just so many things, my wallet, my health were two i was thinking about as my elbow was annoying me as well
...and to know that no matter what, we only get this life, and if life isn't stewarded correctly. we'll miss out on a wealth of blessings.

just realizing that no matter what my circumstances, i always need to come back to the cross whenever I think of it, to humble myself and repent and realize that no matter what I've done, it's all by God's grace that i'm living and breathing and changing.

 No Levels by DJ abSRD

been on repeat for the past day.

this is going to be this weekends theme. see y'all when i get back. gg life.

a friend and i were watching a movie who's title is unimportant at the moment. let's just say it may or may not deal with a ship that's sinking while two lovers are fighting to stay alive in the atlantic sea circa 1912. (grant, did i do it right?)

but basically as this possible ship is sinking, the main male protagonist (lets call him jack) is able to think and verbalize about what will happen when the ship goes under, as they are hanging onto the railing for their lives.  he summarizes that they'll need to hold their breath because the boat will take them under, and that they need to swim up immediately...etc.

it is in this scene, where my friend made a comment that will be well remembered by me: "you know what is amazing is jack's clarity in this situation.  he's able to see beyond the frenzy and is able to do what needs to be done"

and although this is just a analogy, it has become something that i've prayed for over the past year or so. i wanted clarity so that i could see beyond whatever was directly in front of me, and be able to see the big picture. and to my surprise, i've been able to see so many things. and not just the ability to see, but to understand as well.

i only mention this because i've realized that ife is so utterly short.

friends, how good it is to live!

&still, how much better is a life with Christ!

it's a weird thought. that in life, when one is doing well, growing in their walk, Christ is shown as great.
yet it is through our weakest, darkest moments, when Christ is shown greatest.

it was in this past year, i've gone through many issues, but the overwhelming endpoint that i've concluded is that God is good. he works all things together for his glory. and life is but a flash, here and then gone.

bitterness has no place in my life.

it's never about falling down.

it's never about striking out.

it's never about losing.

it's about what you do after those things happen.

HIGH

OFF

LIFE

DON'T

NEED

A

PILL

IN

THERE.

("had to" include ray ray and gmiz; miss you guys)

i wish you were here to talk to me. i (nextdayedit: may or may not have) struck out. but at least i swung. and it was for the fences.

i love you man. you were the only thing missing out of this equation.

-jt

i thought about this further, and i decided to take down the story.

and on that note....lets look at my previous years goals set around this time.

{}i'm planning on taking a small break after the funternship and just re evaluating my life for the fall. i'm going to be looking for a job in the mean time so that come fall+, i can start working. i want to finish the bible at least once or twice if possible.

i'm planning on doing 21 chapters a day. i felt very convicted when talking to jesse about this on how to grow and mature more. pray and read. simple, but so easy to be distracted.

i didn't finish the Bible x_X

{}i plan on taking the next year(+) off to work, and then possibly another year as well so that i can grow and mature more before seminary. I feel that there is much to be done in the mean time and that i need to start with the foundation of who i am. I need to read and pray more.

i got a job at Liferay! success~! & i'm definitely growing and maturing.

{}i plan on working out more. i think i've probably said this more than anyone else, but i know i can eventually get to it. i've been so busy with driving to and fro from the south bay to fullerton that i'm pretty exhausted come work out time. but i know that i just need to put my head down and get to it all. there is a heavy burden on my heart to change my life around. it stems from the fact that i need to be in better shape if i am to ever preach the word of God. there is something to be said for having discipline in not just being sanctified by the Word spiritually, but bodily training as well. I was reading a guide/outline on preaching and i agree with the fact that it proposed in that your health is often a reflection of your own self discipline.

i have lost a little weight. i want to lose more.

{}i plan on modding my car a little more. i think there are a few things i want to do, such as an 05'-06' rear conversion. maybe a turbo kit? who knowsss. one thing though, i want to wait for an expensive mod such as that till i have a steady job that i can afford such a pricey upgrade. and at that point, i probably should just save for a different car. or i could turbo my car. lol.

my rsx = broke, i hope to fix & sell it. 

i got an A5 a few days ago. yay!

{}i plan on staying at Lighthouse Community Church for the duration of the foreseeable future. There are so many awesome things going on and things that i've been able to be a part of. I thoroughly enjoy and am challenged by the teaching of the Word. The funternship has definitely helped spur me on towards love and good deeds.

things didn't go as planned. wintersburg, your prodigal son returns.

{}i plan...or actually am being discipled by Eric Lau. This is something that I've been wanting to do since i got back from graduating and i think this is definitely something more than what i was hoping for in terms of mature and qualified. I can't wait to grow and learn more from him. i am thoroughly pleased to be under such an awesome guy. i am very blessed.

Eric Lau is wise. mature. and real.

all in all. it was a step forward this year. and that's exactly what i wanted.

i'm just sayin' you could do better...tell me have you heard that lately?