"You're a happy baby"

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24

to be honest, this is super personal. still, i've realized, blog readers, i want to share the deepest part of my life with everyone who reads this blog. i dont know who knows this or not, because when i get asked about it, i haven't necessarily brought it up. i think as of late, i've brought it up more. but in the past, i remember shying away from it.

every april, i tend to get pretty emotional. and i cry a lot. just by myself...and i just try to hide it from everyone...

i recently heard josh kira talk about how he's a robot when it comes to crying with movies. and only two books have ever made him cry. but i thought to myself, i half wish i had that ability to be less emotional. and no, my emoness is not because i have some kind of thing with baseball starting. it's not because of the nba playoffs. or stanley cup playoffs. it's not because i have friends (grant and russ) who's birthdays are this month.

nope. it's got nothing to do with any of that.

so wait, why are you an emo kid?

the reason why i'm so emotional is because this is the month when my brother, Brady, past away. I was about 3 years old and he was about 3 months old. i don't always share about him with people, simply because it stings, and people dont know what to say other than "i'm sorry" in response. to be honest... i didn't even know how to take this. i would just smile and say thanks.

but later, i would realize that they shouldn't be sorry because of the product that his death produced. however, while i was young, i thought that if i didn't talk about it when i was younger, it wouldn't hurt (kinda sweeping it under a rug, per say). although, i was terribly wrong...oh does it hurt still. i'm not angry or bitter or anything like that, but it just pains me to think about him and passing away.

you know, like a wound that will always just be there.

how did he die?

Brady was born with a disease called Werdnig Hoffman Disease. the way that it affected him was he was paralyzed from his neck down, and we had to move him and prop him up. he couldn't breathe due to his lungs being shaped like a bell. anyways, he was suffering a lot to just live and if he progressed any longer, he would have been on a machine for the rest of his life and it would have been harsh. but he lasted for a whole 3 months and those were some of the most crazy months of his/my/my family's life. everything happened so fast, i didn't know what to think. he was here, and then gone. i wish i could've gotten to know him better and just watch him grow up... i wish i would've treasured the time more. but no matter. he was here for the perfect amount of time as ordained by God.

why do i share about this?

because, i know that God had a huge plan for this, and it's still unfolding to this day. the verse at the beginning is a great example of what my brother's short life has become...because of the life of my brother, a huge amount of things have happened. for one, it is the reason why i came to salvation.

Salvation, you say?

yeah, well...i found it hard to reason that my brother simply went no where after death. even at three, i was definitely thinking about these things. i asked my mom where he went. she took the moment to explain that he went to heaven. and then i started asking about when/how will i get to heaven? like...do i swing on a big swing to get there? or is there a ladder? (so i wasn't very smart at reasoning how to get to heaven...lol) she went through the gospel message with me & i accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and since then have been going through the extensive process known as sanctification. but the main point of this story is that i was inquisitive about heaven and a relationship with Christ because of my brother's death. he was the reason/spark of how i learned about the death of Christ and His atonement for my sins. i wanted to know Christ and live forever in eternity with both Him and my brother...all i had to do was repent of my sins and ask for forgiveness, that Christ would reign in my life from that day forward. suhweet.

why are you writing this post?

When people meet me, one of the most frequented questions, is if i have any siblings. i used to say yes and explain the whole process of his death. however, i became jaded by this process and i started to just say nah and leave it at that. I just got tired of feeling hurt about sharing with my brother to people i just met. i didn't feel it was worth it. but the flip side was that since i didn't tell them i had any siblings...they'd go on with the only child banter and how i'm probably spoiled and what not. which bothered me, but not as much as if i brought up my brother. so i just started to shy away from talking about Brady.

then my heart turned drastically...and i started feeling that it was a tragic mistake not to tell people about him. it was almost like i was taking him away/out of my life...and why would i do that? because there was a matter of comfort? just to save me some kind of ease, i would forfeit knowledge of the existence of my brother to others...? how terrible i felt that was of me...so i decided it was going to change, because if i get to share about my brother...i can share about how i came to know Christ as my Savior. which is the best.

i love the hearing the awesome ways in how people come to salvation, and my testimony dealt with my brother's death causing me to hear about the gospel from my mom. just think...it's so much easier to bring up Christ and his redemptive power on the cross now because of the way my brother was used by God. so now when people ask, i just have to be faithful in sharing about it.

this is why, i share about him. i know there aren't many people who read my blog, but those that do, i pray you'll count your blessings about your siblings. i know i do. even though he wasn't here long, he made the biggest impact for my entire family. especially me.

What else did his life have an effect on?

so some of you might know that my dad is overseas on missions right now. and he's been sending emails to update everyone about his whereabouts and how it's been going overall.

i was reading my dad's emails/updates from his kenya trip and there was a part i wanted to share with everyone...

"We finally get there, set up the PA, projector and screen and in the next shelter they are already cooking the food for the meal later. We are serving rice, beans, and beef or chicken. The church size will hold about 200+ people jammed in together like sardines in a can.

We show the Jesus film in Kiswahili, which is their language so they can understand. More and more people keep coming to jam into the small room, so many they are hanging out the door! Ok what comes next kind of shocks me… I knew that I would be preaching/sharing, but I thought it would be after the feeding… So I am sitting there casually waiting so we can help serve the food. Then Pastor Paul and Mike called me up to speak! Pastor Paul interpreted for me while I spoke on the stage. To let you know it was all God.

I told them, that I know there are many who die each day here and many are young children. But they are not alone and I want to share a personal story that God laid on my heart.

I shared and talked about how sometimes we can be separated or angry with God and shared a story about my other son, who died when he was 4 ½ months. I told them how mad I was at God for 8 long years and I had a stand off with God. Then the vision/miracle came to me while I was at a church meeting just like this sitting in the back. When the last prayer came I bowed and then all of sudden there wasn’t anyone there. I was in the front pew and along side of me was this figure like an angel glowing pure white holding my son who had died; and up on the stage was a larger figure brighter white. I tried to talk but nothing came out… Then the figure on the stage spoke to me and slowly and comforting said… “It’s alright Gerald, it is alright. Just as I had to give my son for everyone’s sins, you must also give your son to me too.” Then the figure at the right walked up and gave my son to the other figure. I knew that it was truly God at the stage speaking and telling me that it was all right and my son would be fine…when I released my son to him, it was over. I was back at the meeting looking down to see that there was a puddle of tears below me and I was sobbing. My 8 years of angry mad spirit was gone and in place was that warm comforting feeling that you have when you are totally emotionally drained and you are being held tight.

It was God that met me there; He was always there but He chose the time & place to heal me and bring me back. I told the crowd that I knew that many of them had experienced pain and suffering from loosing a child and I know that it hurts so very much; and that you can be so angry at God for taking that loved one. But I was there to tell them that it was alright and that God is loving your child and you have to release this anger hate and leave it all at God’s footsteps. He will meet you, heal you and love you. The bible promises that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of God; He is there to meet you wherever you are, just come back. He died for you and wants to have a relationship with you again. I told them I wanted to pray for those who are in this position…

Then Pastor Paul jumps in and preaches about what I had just said and here is your chance to come to know Jesus. He talked for a few minutes and then said to me to tell them to come. So I did… 4 mothers and a man that works for Pastor Paul all came up! There were others, but since it was so crowded they had to just stand where they were. They were all sobbing and crying and said please pray for them, for salvation and so that they could release this anger at God too. I was in shock too! Then Pastor Paul tell them the Pastor will lead you in prayer, so I thought he meant Pastor Mike! But he gives me the mike, so I prayed the salvation prayer for them! I can’t begin to tell you how I felt about all of this… I hugged each of the mothers and man and they grabbed me and told me that yes they felt that same way against God and questioned how could he really love? They thanked me, saying that they were ready to meet God right here and now; and would lay those feelings, thoughts at the cross! I still am in awe of God’s overwhelming love no matter what the circumstances! I just broke down and cried with them… "

to be honest, i never really heard him say most of that about my brother. but i cried through reading most of this because it's so just so honest as a testament of God's good and perfect will. Praise God for the good work He's been doing in those Kenyan people and for the work He has done in my Dad. i never thought i'd see anything like this. But God is so faithful and sovereign beyond my feeble understanding. He had the master plan from the beginning of time. but to see so much be unfolded to this point, it just brings me to my knees in the overwhelming amount of love and grace bestowed upon my life. Praise be to God alone for He is worthy.

tldr;

-my brother is way that God used to lead me to salvation

-my brother is a tool that was used to tell people in Kenya about salvation in Christ

-my brother is the reason why my dad suffered and changed.

-my brother's short life on earth has had an eternal effect on the lives that he touched around him

i love him so much and i'll never forget him. Praise be to God for Brady's life.

wait...what is the title all about?

oh...it's what i used to say to my brother when i would play with him. i actually don't know why, but i knew he was a happy kid deep down. i couldn't have been more right.

"you're a happy baby..."=D