*i read another book (thanks to tami takamine) that pretty much describes where i'm at:

http://www.amazon.com/twentysomething-Surviving-Thriving-Real-World/dp/0849944449

linking it for those who are interested.

tldr; your twenties are a good time to figure out your life and put Christ at the helm presented in the most non-cheesy way plausible. basically: go figure it out, try new things, and live life.

my take on it; it's comforting to know everyone else doesn't have it figured out. that doesn't really mean that i'm in any better shape, but i guess it's nice to know i'm on the curve of the grading scale? bah.

*i have been scrambling over the past month saying this: 

"crap, i'm lost and i don't know what i'm going to do with my life...oh gosh, i'll just cling onto the most promising idea/job that will lead to a secure life and everything will be good...&that's what it's all about, right?"

i mean...

a secure life is what everyone wants, &it's what i want, right?

a secure life provides for a future family, &that's what women want, right?

a secure life is what my parents want, &they'll be proud to bring up me in conversation w/ friends&fam bam, right?

a secure life is what i want to bring up in conversation with people, so that they are impressed and give me respect, right?

a secure life is what will provide me happiness, right?

a secure life will keep my soul content, right?

RIGHT!?

or maybe this is the biggest lie ever? a lie so well conceived that charles ponzi himself would be impressed!

the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist.

perhaps...the very thing that i was keen on investing and buying into is really the biggest waste of my life...and a life both unrealized & wasted in potential or a life not lived...

Matthew 25:14-30

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Bags of Gold

    ¹⁴ “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. ¹⁵ To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,^[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. ¹⁶ The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. ¹⁷ So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. ¹⁸ But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.   ¹⁹ “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. ²⁰ The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’
   ²¹ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
   ²² “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’
   ²³ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
   ²⁴ “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. ²⁵ So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
   ²⁶ “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? ²⁷ Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

   ²⁸ “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. ²⁹ For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. ³⁰ And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’)

so i thought...what is a secure life anyways?

in my humble opinion: a secure life is an illusion that we as humans create to provide "safety nets" that will protect us against the unknown that is out there. we put our hopes and dreams above these "safety nets" and pray they hold if things don't go according to plan.

i believe there is some wisdom in a secure life, but i don't necessarily believe that it's an "end all-be all" in that it's going to save you, bring you lasting happiness, or a sense of completion.

that's what a secure life is really...a little bit of truth mixed in with a lie. a half truth is still a lie, is it not?

...i could be wrong, but i don't think i am...

tell how many stories have you heard about people who have acquired vast wealth...a secure life...and then wished they'd done something else with their life?

and how many stories have you heard about people who lived a selfless life who in their last moments regretted that the life they lived and wished instead to have acquired money or a secure life instead...? yeah, i haven't heard any of the latter and if you can point me to one, i'd be impressed.

ok so there's a point to all of this...

i have been having a lot of talks with a close friend, who probably is the single most influential person that i have talked to in my collegiate career...Ray Kim

and the sick thing is, i think he has the twenty something thing figured out.

he's managed to keep pointing me to the Cross in the most honest and real way. 

Ray asked me what I want to do with my life- i mean who hasn't asked me this lately?

I childishly paraded the idea of getting into social media marketing and sales of some sort.  I mean, it's been working like a charm with my family, friends and everyone without second thought...why wouldn't it work with Ray?

He quickly brushed that to the side and said, "That's what you really want to do?"

"Huh? Why not? What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing (smirk), it's just...you want to become a number? C'mon tell me what do you really want to do with your life, ...i mean, let me ask you this...what do you love? just keep it simple"

keep it simple...and then it was clear to me...

there are two things in life that i love and take joy in... which is helping others and God.

he basically said that there's only one thing we need to worry about...

and that's seeking the kingdom of God.

Matthew 6:

³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

 ³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

did you miss it?

there it was.

if you didn't get the answer to your twenty somethings 

it was right there.

tldr; seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you is the answer to the twenty somethings.

so what does this look like for me?

it means that i shouldn't look to worry about the money, the money will worry about itself. i don't mean that if you have a high paying career, it equates a secure life, that's not the correlation i'm trying to make.  The point is that no matter what you endeavor, do the thing you were created to do, and do it to the best of your ability.  Do this job, as well as your life, do this all by seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

it says it clear as day, that if i seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, all these things will be added to you...aka let the rest worry about itself. 

that takes a good amount of trust and faith. it's this seemingly opposing life contrary to what the world says...store up monies, etc...a secure life. and i don't think i'll look back at a secure life on my deathbed and be content. i'll probably feel like the guy who buried his talent.

yeah, i don't want to be that guy.

JKuo sent me this link and i recommend it if you ever thought about what life would be like on your deathbed & the thoughts of possible regret.

it's something that i constantly think about...

http://www.ariseindiaforum.org/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/

tldr;
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.


i also wanted to link this story if you have extra time to read it about a texas teen who passed away and left this note about his life with only 3x5 cards as the subtitles.  it was really good. good enough to make me tear up and enough for kid cudi to tear up as well. check it if you got time (there's part 1 and part 2...after part 1 is done playing there should be a link within the video at the end for part 2) http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2011/12/texas-teen-dies-on-christmas-leaves-online-message-video.html

this post actually has nothing, that's right 0 to do with santa...

i am attempting to fall asleep at 5 am...cuz christmas eve is one of the best days of the year with my family.

highlights:
getting to see the little buddies and fam bam
prime rib/chicken crepes
punch
white elephant
ball


the only downer this year was when people asked about how i was doing and how the job is going.

yeah, no job anymore.

lol, so i can't really skirt the truth here, and why would i even think about lying? they're gonna find out. it's an asian family. they all talk, LDO!!! - (like duh, obvious!)
so cuz i'm boring, i tell the truth and force the conversation to take an ugly turn down "no fun lane" and "awkward avenue"
it's painful for about 1 minute as we logistically talk about what happened etc...meandering through the details that aren't even details, they're more like fodder for peddling us along this crap street we have started down... at this point- we both are frantically thinking about what can bail us out of the awkwardness....

deep down i'm praying someone interrupts us and needs the person i'm talking to do a favor or help out without me there. i dont really want to be helping out...or continuing this conversation...lolol. jk.

no i'm not actually. lolol.

anyways, it was a good night. i miss them when i dont see my fam- they're too awesome.

here's a few snapshots:

Toshi, Micah, Samuel and Luke

Kate, Kar, and Lala

my white elephant gift that i have found a new home for already.

gross. -_-

oh hey, it's me. -_- #failheadshots

A friend emailed me & this is what i thought of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWUfFwoe8ko&t=2m45s

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. - Red (the shawshank redemption)

hahaha, thanks to my mom for her photo taking skills.

new thinking.
new possibilities.


i tend to be ambiguous, so i'll cut straight to it.


onward:


-things i've thought, prayed and submitted to God-

as for location, i'm going to stay within california. i love traveling, seeing new places, and immersing within different cultures. i suppose that NY or Chi-town are still on the board as possible, but less likely...unless there was a dream job opportunity.

as for a job, i'm going to start looking for something within advertising/marketing.  the field just seems like something that beckons to me, as i would say one of my abilities is relative ease in generating hype. pretty much it's the ideal industry for me...and looking at how things are done in today's lifestyle...social media might be the most ideal route.

needless to say...

life has been quite interesting this past year.

i'll probably drop a few more thoughts and have a year end recap...for this year could not have been more up and down.

this past week has served to facilitate exactly what i hoped it to be...

a week of no plans, of doing nothing, of getting my mind and heart right, and of recovery.

of no plans:
i pretty much just woke up and went from there. it felt like college. waking up in double digits. staying up late into the AM. it was good to feel that gross feeling that i'm wasting time.

i just took each day as it came. hung out with people when they called. didn't schedule anything specific. just went wherever the day took me.

when i didn't know where to go, i found myself going to play pokers @ the gardens and i did the two things i said i would never do there...i got myself a players card and ordered food.
those were two signs that tell me i had somehow reach a lower point in recent history like straight degen status... gg life.  tbh, it was a one week, this week only type of thing.

this is going to sound super degen, but there was just something about killing time on the felt that gave me a feeling of freedom. it's probably similar to the feeling that people get hiking in the outdoors, only my great green arena was with 9 other people throwing mahhhneees everywhere on it.

i gotta be honest, i have times where i really miss it. especially driving the fish to value town.
&although i've had an up and down relationship with the game, one thing never really changed and that's my appreciation for getting sucked out and then proceeding to go on monkey tilt and hating life. and the thing that sets me off is when i got bored and proceed to deviate from straightforward ABC poker strategy to FPS - fancy play syndrome. this is detrimental, especially at the low stakes when all the villains are thinking about are the two cards in front of them.

overall it was it was good and i'm pretty done with the local card rooms... vegas doesn't count =]

and while i did nothing, i took another step towards finding balance.

of doing nothing:
i worked out once this week. it was the perfect amount. i didn't really want to do much as i was still unwinding from working out consistently and at times i felt kind of gross, but satisfying at the same time. it was weird to be happy with nothing. just a foreign feeling. it was a unique kind of satisfaction...rather than one of doing something and feeling accomplished. this was more like, mmm, today was spent with 0 oz. of care given- undoubtably awesome.

just getting my mind off all the missed expectations that accrued over the last employment brought me peace. i had been placing too much emphasis on results, because that's how i equate my value. and when i was cut off, and nothing was materialized, i was minorly crushed. i felt like i had been robbed...

there was a feeling of scrambling for my footing as it felt like the ground was pulled from out under me. but i took the jack shepherd approach from LOST and just counted to 5 -and let it all in...
being scared of the future,
the feeling of failing my parents myself and others.
that somehow i'm not good enough to be employed.
being in the camp of "i find worth in my employment status" and when that was stripped, what am i left with?

however, i've found that my options are unlimited. i can go anywhere. do whatever i want.

i'm pretty sure that people would pay sick money to be in my position at my age.
and with an endless amount of options in front of me...i took another step towards finding balance.

of getting my mind and heart right:
i had plenty of great talks and they've served push me into the right direction.

this was probably the more important thing. and it was a step in the right direction. i do have more answers than when i started the week, and i do have leads on my next step...and i have been running over different jobs and scenarios in my head.

but needless to say, these things didn't really matter in comparison to the main thing that occurred which was an understanding of that which is most important to me. &that being that I'm not going to just give up. & that also being that I'm not going to just "appease" my own self desires.

just digesting this past year and looking towards the future has caused me to really strive and think about what I want to make my life about.
and there's honestly a few things that I can think about that I really want it to be about.

but i've decided that i don't really think I can take the cold, frigid weather that both chi-town and the big apple deliver--- as I'm honestly, a weakling. i mean, if the perfect opportunity was there, then sure, but if i have a choice/say in it, the probably not.


MOST OF ALL...I don't want to die and look back and regret my life. I think that most people will do this, they'll chalk it up to whatever they want, but they're going to overall see how frivolous things were within their spectrum of life. There's nothing wrong with things in and of themselves, but it's always an issue of heart.  Where is the motivation for why you're doing x, y, and z.  This is the main question that I want to answer going forward, and i can say that I don't want to be the guy who's regretting smoking cigs cuz he wants more time with his grandchildren, but has unfortunately contracted lung cancer.  Mostly...i just want to keep my options as positive as possible. I don't want to jepordize my life in any way that it doesn't need to be.
what is a wasted life? a wasted life IMHO is one in which you knew what you should do, but pushed it off to the side because it didn't align with what you wanted.

so after talking with multiple people...i've concluded that i want to be bold and i want to be firm. i want to take everything i've learned this year, and apply it to my life...in a real&practical manner that really changes my life to give glory to God. to talk to people who have been through the tough times in life, who have been on the other side of judgement and who have been outcasted.

i need to stop caring about my wants and to let go and let God. but honestly i just want to be as real as possible...and that starts with how i live during the week. how i speak, how i spend my free time and my overall thought process.

&while I thought of this, I took another step towards finding balance.


of recovery:
it was the best saturday. just waking up. cleaning myself out with a nice morning workout and then hanging out the rest of the day. i've realized that the simple things are the things in which I derive the most pleasure. those are the things that make a big difference in my life. and those are the things in which i really do miss the most while i was working.

spending time with close friends, fam bam, and experiencing life so ... organically, was the best medicine anyone could prescribe.

"strong enough to take on the world" Teddy KGB (Rounders)

and that's how i feel. so i'm about to tear this all up. i'm about to get my work on. and there is nothing that is going to stop me. and thinking about what Grant said. i can't agree more. once i decide on what i'm going to do next...i'm going to absolutely kill/murder it. =]

"don't let me get in my zone, i'm definitely in my zone" - Kanye West (Niggas In Paris)

and while I realized that my life was good and that I am in such a good position...

and I realize how good God truly is...no matter what the situation is/has been/will be...

that is when I found a better sense of what balance truly is. 

start*
Thanks to all my coworkers and friends who have offered their kind words of wisdom, prayers, and support over the last few days. it has made me really feel loved and appreciated. you have no idea.

main point*
I got laid off from Liferay this past week on mutual terms, but it still was shocking and left me reeling.

details* 
If we’ve actually met in person, we can talk on the side.

thoughts* 
I’m grateful for the time I had there
^the opportunity of work (esp. since the economy sucks),
^the life lessons I gleamed (about myself and others),
^the friends I gained (&hope to still have in the future),
^having work as an anchor point of stability in my life as I came out of college, out of a debacle of last year, and into the real world pretty clueless what I wanted out of life...which i still partly am.

Currently in the process of creating a routine for myself (as suggested by Grant)

bullets* 

* Wake up by 9:30-10 AM

* Work out

* Spend time with Jesus telling how I have no freaking idea what I’m going to do next. He’ll probably respond in some way I don’t expect. &humble me in process further. Typical.

* Rosetta Stone Japanese; at least get through disc 1 by January.

* Read books (1 book per week)

* Eat healthy

(let me know if you have any suggestions or comments or 2 cents of advice for me... i'd love to hear from anyone and everyone...just email me at [ justintanaka@gmail.com ]:

options*

1. Evaluate and Adjust my current core beliefs:

a-choose what I do and do not want in life (being real) and 

b-choose who I do and do not want to become (if there are things to be changed about myself &there are things, no better time than now).
2. Investigate/apply for both jobs and/or grad school.
3. Investigate moving to Chicago, New York, San Francisco, or perhaps to another country such as Japan, Korea.
4. Travel for a little bit in SE Asia.

logistics need to be done within a few weeks time of the posting. i want to move on as soon as i know what i want to do next.

story*
I was dazed. My heart was beating fast. My head was hurting. It felt like I had tumbled down a stairway that looked secure and safe. I was left stunned like Princess Leia after her home planet of Alderaan was blown into nothingness. I knew most of my friends were currently studying for finals. So I called Grant to talk and helping me hash out everything that happened, he said this: 

"Well, I know that whatever you do next...you're going to absolutely kill it, that's for sure."

i agree.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice: Get busy living or get busy dying. -Andy (the shawshank redemption)

welcome to the 11.7%

Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it. - Ryan Bingham (up in the air)

some of that Yeezy real talk...

just gotta say that everytime i've read anything about kanye, i usually have nothing but respect & love for the guy.

he's figuring it out like anyone else. &it's not that i necessarily agree with all his decisions, but he's human, he recognizes it, and to me he just is like any other guy out there trying to do life and stay real about it all.

here's to Ye, for getting through these past years. glad to see you back on top.
&
here's to his mother, may she rest in peace.

interesting night.

i mean, have you ever video chatted with a random person?

my favorite part of this all was finding common ground. hahaha, and when that common ground is a mutual friend/family member...it can't be much better than that.

haha, i'm going to sleep.