balance

this past week has served to facilitate exactly what i hoped it to be...

a week of no plans, of doing nothing, of getting my mind and heart right, and of recovery.

of no plans:
i pretty much just woke up and went from there. it felt like college. waking up in double digits. staying up late into the AM. it was good to feel that gross feeling that i'm wasting time.

i just took each day as it came. hung out with people when they called. didn't schedule anything specific. just went wherever the day took me.

when i didn't know where to go, i found myself going to play pokers @ the gardens and i did the two things i said i would never do there...i got myself a players card and ordered food.
those were two signs that tell me i had somehow reach a lower point in recent history like straight degen status... gg life.  tbh, it was a one week, this week only type of thing.

this is going to sound super degen, but there was just something about killing time on the felt that gave me a feeling of freedom. it's probably similar to the feeling that people get hiking in the outdoors, only my great green arena was with 9 other people throwing mahhhneees everywhere on it.

i gotta be honest, i have times where i really miss it. especially driving the fish to value town.
&although i've had an up and down relationship with the game, one thing never really changed and that's my appreciation for getting sucked out and then proceeding to go on monkey tilt and hating life. and the thing that sets me off is when i got bored and proceed to deviate from straightforward ABC poker strategy to FPS - fancy play syndrome. this is detrimental, especially at the low stakes when all the villains are thinking about are the two cards in front of them.

overall it was it was good and i'm pretty done with the local card rooms... vegas doesn't count =]

and while i did nothing, i took another step towards finding balance.

of doing nothing:
i worked out once this week. it was the perfect amount. i didn't really want to do much as i was still unwinding from working out consistently and at times i felt kind of gross, but satisfying at the same time. it was weird to be happy with nothing. just a foreign feeling. it was a unique kind of satisfaction...rather than one of doing something and feeling accomplished. this was more like, mmm, today was spent with 0 oz. of care given- undoubtably awesome.

just getting my mind off all the missed expectations that accrued over the last employment brought me peace. i had been placing too much emphasis on results, because that's how i equate my value. and when i was cut off, and nothing was materialized, i was minorly crushed. i felt like i had been robbed...

there was a feeling of scrambling for my footing as it felt like the ground was pulled from out under me. but i took the jack shepherd approach from LOST and just counted to 5 -and let it all in...
being scared of the future,
the feeling of failing my parents myself and others.
that somehow i'm not good enough to be employed.
being in the camp of "i find worth in my employment status" and when that was stripped, what am i left with?

however, i've found that my options are unlimited. i can go anywhere. do whatever i want.

i'm pretty sure that people would pay sick money to be in my position at my age.
and with an endless amount of options in front of me...i took another step towards finding balance.

of getting my mind and heart right:
i had plenty of great talks and they've served push me into the right direction.

this was probably the more important thing. and it was a step in the right direction. i do have more answers than when i started the week, and i do have leads on my next step...and i have been running over different jobs and scenarios in my head.

but needless to say, these things didn't really matter in comparison to the main thing that occurred which was an understanding of that which is most important to me. &that being that I'm not going to just give up. & that also being that I'm not going to just "appease" my own self desires.

just digesting this past year and looking towards the future has caused me to really strive and think about what I want to make my life about.
and there's honestly a few things that I can think about that I really want it to be about.

but i've decided that i don't really think I can take the cold, frigid weather that both chi-town and the big apple deliver--- as I'm honestly, a weakling. i mean, if the perfect opportunity was there, then sure, but if i have a choice/say in it, the probably not.


MOST OF ALL...I don't want to die and look back and regret my life. I think that most people will do this, they'll chalk it up to whatever they want, but they're going to overall see how frivolous things were within their spectrum of life. There's nothing wrong with things in and of themselves, but it's always an issue of heart.  Where is the motivation for why you're doing x, y, and z.  This is the main question that I want to answer going forward, and i can say that I don't want to be the guy who's regretting smoking cigs cuz he wants more time with his grandchildren, but has unfortunately contracted lung cancer.  Mostly...i just want to keep my options as positive as possible. I don't want to jepordize my life in any way that it doesn't need to be.
what is a wasted life? a wasted life IMHO is one in which you knew what you should do, but pushed it off to the side because it didn't align with what you wanted.

so after talking with multiple people...i've concluded that i want to be bold and i want to be firm. i want to take everything i've learned this year, and apply it to my life...in a real&practical manner that really changes my life to give glory to God. to talk to people who have been through the tough times in life, who have been on the other side of judgement and who have been outcasted.

i need to stop caring about my wants and to let go and let God. but honestly i just want to be as real as possible...and that starts with how i live during the week. how i speak, how i spend my free time and my overall thought process.

&while I thought of this, I took another step towards finding balance.


of recovery:
it was the best saturday. just waking up. cleaning myself out with a nice morning workout and then hanging out the rest of the day. i've realized that the simple things are the things in which I derive the most pleasure. those are the things that make a big difference in my life. and those are the things in which i really do miss the most while i was working.

spending time with close friends, fam bam, and experiencing life so ... organically, was the best medicine anyone could prescribe.

"strong enough to take on the world" Teddy KGB (Rounders)

and that's how i feel. so i'm about to tear this all up. i'm about to get my work on. and there is nothing that is going to stop me. and thinking about what Grant said. i can't agree more. once i decide on what i'm going to do next...i'm going to absolutely kill/murder it. =]

"don't let me get in my zone, i'm definitely in my zone" - Kanye West (Niggas In Paris)

and while I realized that my life was good and that I am in such a good position...

and I realize how good God truly is...no matter what the situation is/has been/will be...

that is when I found a better sense of what balance truly is.