hey blogging world. i have some good news for the readers of this blog.
i'm looking at december as a month to reflect and one thing comes to mind: thankfulness. looking back on the year of 2010, it's been exactly what i thought it was going to be. a long year of good change and good times.
there are things i've been meaning to get done, and after a few months of R&R i've come to a solid understanding of getting three things for this month.
1) i'm going to get a job. and it's the holiday season. neutral. 2) i'm going to get healthy. and it's the holiday season. fail. 3) i'm going to get ministry going. and it's the holiday season. win.
so for every day in december, i plan on doing 2 things for my blog. first thing is this: for every day in december...i'm going to post about something that has made a big impact upon my life. i'll then proceed to write a 5 sentence paragraph about that subject (person, place, thing)
i watched 127 hours which documents a climber who gets pinned in a small crevasse in a utah trail in the middle of nowhere. it featured james franco and grant was pretty excited about it. and it's only playing at a select amount of theatres atm.
i watched the trailer and i saw how it had an interesting plot. plus it was directed by the guy who did slumdog millionaire and it got great reviews on RT at 91% respectively. so, i had to see it, well grant did, and thus i did too.
so, we went to see it, and boy, did it deliver. i guess most people could see it at face value, and still just think, "well that was just ok." and i understand their view, but then again, they're completely missing the point of everything. i went into the movie completely unaware of it 24 hours prior and unaware of the story...what happened and what was the outcome. so i was literally guessing a bunch of times how it would conclude.
spoiler alert: if you dont want to know anything about it...dont read further.
lawl. ok fair warning. basically, he (james franco/aron rosten) gets his arm pinned and is trapped, running out of water, food and time, he has to go to desperate measures to survive. and when i say desperate, it's desperate.
the thing that i really connected on was the fact that he was prideful in his climbing ability and didn't tell anyone where he was going or when. he was a lone ranger. and a lone ranger, is a dead ranger. since his pride got in the way, there was really no chance of rescue. and i think this is exactly how i was with sin. i refused to tell people about it, close friends. anyone. and obv, i'm a dead ranger, but i can't see it yettt.
and this is when it all finally clicked again for me. [[i swear, i should just live up in SF and get all these paradigm shifts in my life all the time.]] i could see myself as him/jamesfranco/aron, in the crevasse pinned and running out of time for my life...
i finally had a clear visual symbol for the sin in my life. it's the rock that's pinning me down. i wasn't humble in the beginning and now i'm pinned and dying slowly. i thought i was hard enough to be ok on my own...but of course i got caught up and got owned.
it's down to the point where there isn't much of a chance that i'm getting out. there's one last measure to be done, and it's the one i didn't want to do the whole time. the reason why, is because it takes me dropping my pride and begging God for help. it takes me posturing rightly and acknowledging how far i fall from God's holy standard. it takes me dropping all pride i have...and thus i break out my crappy knife, which by this point since i had been using to pick at the rock earlier was to dull the blade. me picking at the rock did nothing, but dull the blade and help the rock settle in more. and thus, it's gotten to the final straw. the last option before options are no longer available and death is the only one left.
what comes next is the most raw, gruesome thing everrr...i amputate my arm to free myself from the rock/sin. i break the nerve ending, the feeling is mostly gone, and then i step back after i'm free. what i just got out of, the very thing that was threatening my life.
i finally suck up the crappiness of a dull blade and recognize my fail in just chipping away at the rock. i give up a part of me that sin has claimed, in order that the rest of my body might be saved.
[29] If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. [30] And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
(Matthew 5:29-30 ESV)
is this what i'm wanting?
it is.
it's not something surface...like starcraft this time. noooo no. it's something i've been trying to battle with since i can pretty much remember.
:2facts:
1st fact: sin is a cruel master. it demands more and more of me/us, and doesn't ever seem to deliver on its promises, but fail completely. i'm thinking about writing this on my computer in perm marker.
2nd fact: sin is ruthless. it will do everything and anything to get you enticed to fall away. and that's the thing...i want to believe i'm done being nice to sin, i'm done playing by it's rules. i'm done with it. and no this doesn't mean i'll never sin again. but the end result is that i'm not going to make any quarter for it. i need to destroy it, before it destroys me.
so i'm installing things into my life... things that i believed i was better than. it was my pride that wouldn't let me before. pride which dulled my blade... and now i'm giving up my pride. and amputation is still possible, it's just going to hurt more since it's so dull.
i want freedom, because it's life or death. preserve or give up. i can choose one of the two...either Christ or myself...and i see that life is too short. Christ will come quickly enough, and i don't want to say to him, "yeah, i should've worked harder on destroying that..." (in regards to sin)
at this point, i don't care how dull the blade is, how much it'll hurt. how much my rep will fall, how low i will go. because really, that's where i want to be. i know nothing. i have nothing. i am nothing. except for what i have in Christ.
