*i read another book (thanks to tami takamine) that pretty much describes where i'm at:

http://www.amazon.com/twentysomething-Surviving-Thriving-Real-World/dp/0849944449

linking it for those who are interested.

tldr; your twenties are a good time to figure out your life and put Christ at the helm presented in the most non-cheesy way plausible. basically: go figure it out, try new things, and live life.

my take on it; it's comforting to know everyone else doesn't have it figured out. that doesn't really mean that i'm in any better shape, but i guess it's nice to know i'm on the curve of the grading scale? bah.

*i have been scrambling over the past month saying this: 

"crap, i'm lost and i don't know what i'm going to do with my life...oh gosh, i'll just cling onto the most promising idea/job that will lead to a secure life and everything will be good...&that's what it's all about, right?"

i mean...

a secure life is what everyone wants, &it's what i want, right?

a secure life provides for a future family, &that's what women want, right?

a secure life is what my parents want, &they'll be proud to bring up me in conversation w/ friends&fam bam, right?

a secure life is what i want to bring up in conversation with people, so that they are impressed and give me respect, right?

a secure life is what will provide me happiness, right?

a secure life will keep my soul content, right?

RIGHT!?

or maybe this is the biggest lie ever? a lie so well conceived that charles ponzi himself would be impressed!

the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist.

perhaps...the very thing that i was keen on investing and buying into is really the biggest waste of my life...and a life both unrealized & wasted in potential or a life not lived...

Matthew 25:14-30

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Bags of Gold

    ¹⁴ “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. ¹⁵ To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,^[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. ¹⁶ The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. ¹⁷ So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. ¹⁸ But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.   ¹⁹ “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. ²⁰ The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’
   ²¹ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
   ²² “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’
   ²³ “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
   ²⁴ “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. ²⁵ So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
   ²⁶ “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? ²⁷ Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

   ²⁸ “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. ²⁹ For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. ³⁰ And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’)

so i thought...what is a secure life anyways?

in my humble opinion: a secure life is an illusion that we as humans create to provide "safety nets" that will protect us against the unknown that is out there. we put our hopes and dreams above these "safety nets" and pray they hold if things don't go according to plan.

i believe there is some wisdom in a secure life, but i don't necessarily believe that it's an "end all-be all" in that it's going to save you, bring you lasting happiness, or a sense of completion.

that's what a secure life is really...a little bit of truth mixed in with a lie. a half truth is still a lie, is it not?

...i could be wrong, but i don't think i am...

tell how many stories have you heard about people who have acquired vast wealth...a secure life...and then wished they'd done something else with their life?

and how many stories have you heard about people who lived a selfless life who in their last moments regretted that the life they lived and wished instead to have acquired money or a secure life instead...? yeah, i haven't heard any of the latter and if you can point me to one, i'd be impressed.

ok so there's a point to all of this...

i have been having a lot of talks with a close friend, who probably is the single most influential person that i have talked to in my collegiate career...Ray Kim

and the sick thing is, i think he has the twenty something thing figured out.

he's managed to keep pointing me to the Cross in the most honest and real way. 

Ray asked me what I want to do with my life- i mean who hasn't asked me this lately?

I childishly paraded the idea of getting into social media marketing and sales of some sort.  I mean, it's been working like a charm with my family, friends and everyone without second thought...why wouldn't it work with Ray?

He quickly brushed that to the side and said, "That's what you really want to do?"

"Huh? Why not? What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing (smirk), it's just...you want to become a number? C'mon tell me what do you really want to do with your life, ...i mean, let me ask you this...what do you love? just keep it simple"

keep it simple...and then it was clear to me...

there are two things in life that i love and take joy in... which is helping others and God.

he basically said that there's only one thing we need to worry about...

and that's seeking the kingdom of God.

Matthew 6:

³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

 ³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

did you miss it?

there it was.

if you didn't get the answer to your twenty somethings 

it was right there.

tldr; seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you is the answer to the twenty somethings.

so what does this look like for me?

it means that i shouldn't look to worry about the money, the money will worry about itself. i don't mean that if you have a high paying career, it equates a secure life, that's not the correlation i'm trying to make.  The point is that no matter what you endeavor, do the thing you were created to do, and do it to the best of your ability.  Do this job, as well as your life, do this all by seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

it says it clear as day, that if i seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, all these things will be added to you...aka let the rest worry about itself. 

that takes a good amount of trust and faith. it's this seemingly opposing life contrary to what the world says...store up monies, etc...a secure life. and i don't think i'll look back at a secure life on my deathbed and be content. i'll probably feel like the guy who buried his talent.

yeah, i don't want to be that guy.

JKuo sent me this link and i recommend it if you ever thought about what life would be like on your deathbed & the thoughts of possible regret.

it's something that i constantly think about...

http://www.ariseindiaforum.org/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/

tldr;
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.


i also wanted to link this story if you have extra time to read it about a texas teen who passed away and left this note about his life with only 3x5 cards as the subtitles.  it was really good. good enough to make me tear up and enough for kid cudi to tear up as well. check it if you got time (there's part 1 and part 2...after part 1 is done playing there should be a link within the video at the end for part 2) http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2011/12/texas-teen-dies-on-christmas-leaves-online-message-video.html

this post actually has nothing, that's right 0 to do with santa...

i am attempting to fall asleep at 5 am...cuz christmas eve is one of the best days of the year with my family.

highlights:
getting to see the little buddies and fam bam
prime rib/chicken crepes
punch
white elephant
ball


the only downer this year was when people asked about how i was doing and how the job is going.

yeah, no job anymore.

lol, so i can't really skirt the truth here, and why would i even think about lying? they're gonna find out. it's an asian family. they all talk, LDO!!! - (like duh, obvious!)
so cuz i'm boring, i tell the truth and force the conversation to take an ugly turn down "no fun lane" and "awkward avenue"
it's painful for about 1 minute as we logistically talk about what happened etc...meandering through the details that aren't even details, they're more like fodder for peddling us along this crap street we have started down... at this point- we both are frantically thinking about what can bail us out of the awkwardness....

deep down i'm praying someone interrupts us and needs the person i'm talking to do a favor or help out without me there. i dont really want to be helping out...or continuing this conversation...lolol. jk.

no i'm not actually. lolol.

anyways, it was a good night. i miss them when i dont see my fam- they're too awesome.

here's a few snapshots:

Toshi, Micah, Samuel and Luke

Kate, Kar, and Lala

my white elephant gift that i have found a new home for already.

gross. -_-

oh hey, it's me. -_- #failheadshots

A friend emailed me & this is what i thought of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWUfFwoe8ko&t=2m45s

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. - Red (the shawshank redemption)

hahaha, thanks to my mom for her photo taking skills.

new thinking.
new possibilities.


i tend to be ambiguous, so i'll cut straight to it.


onward:


-things i've thought, prayed and submitted to God-

as for location, i'm going to stay within california. i love traveling, seeing new places, and immersing within different cultures. i suppose that NY or Chi-town are still on the board as possible, but less likely...unless there was a dream job opportunity.

as for a job, i'm going to start looking for something within advertising/marketing.  the field just seems like something that beckons to me, as i would say one of my abilities is relative ease in generating hype. pretty much it's the ideal industry for me...and looking at how things are done in today's lifestyle...social media might be the most ideal route.

needless to say...

life has been quite interesting this past year.

i'll probably drop a few more thoughts and have a year end recap...for this year could not have been more up and down.

this past week has served to facilitate exactly what i hoped it to be...

a week of no plans, of doing nothing, of getting my mind and heart right, and of recovery.

of no plans:
i pretty much just woke up and went from there. it felt like college. waking up in double digits. staying up late into the AM. it was good to feel that gross feeling that i'm wasting time.

i just took each day as it came. hung out with people when they called. didn't schedule anything specific. just went wherever the day took me.

when i didn't know where to go, i found myself going to play pokers @ the gardens and i did the two things i said i would never do there...i got myself a players card and ordered food.
those were two signs that tell me i had somehow reach a lower point in recent history like straight degen status... gg life.  tbh, it was a one week, this week only type of thing.

this is going to sound super degen, but there was just something about killing time on the felt that gave me a feeling of freedom. it's probably similar to the feeling that people get hiking in the outdoors, only my great green arena was with 9 other people throwing mahhhneees everywhere on it.

i gotta be honest, i have times where i really miss it. especially driving the fish to value town.
&although i've had an up and down relationship with the game, one thing never really changed and that's my appreciation for getting sucked out and then proceeding to go on monkey tilt and hating life. and the thing that sets me off is when i got bored and proceed to deviate from straightforward ABC poker strategy to FPS - fancy play syndrome. this is detrimental, especially at the low stakes when all the villains are thinking about are the two cards in front of them.

overall it was it was good and i'm pretty done with the local card rooms... vegas doesn't count =]

and while i did nothing, i took another step towards finding balance.

of doing nothing:
i worked out once this week. it was the perfect amount. i didn't really want to do much as i was still unwinding from working out consistently and at times i felt kind of gross, but satisfying at the same time. it was weird to be happy with nothing. just a foreign feeling. it was a unique kind of satisfaction...rather than one of doing something and feeling accomplished. this was more like, mmm, today was spent with 0 oz. of care given- undoubtably awesome.

just getting my mind off all the missed expectations that accrued over the last employment brought me peace. i had been placing too much emphasis on results, because that's how i equate my value. and when i was cut off, and nothing was materialized, i was minorly crushed. i felt like i had been robbed...

there was a feeling of scrambling for my footing as it felt like the ground was pulled from out under me. but i took the jack shepherd approach from LOST and just counted to 5 -and let it all in...
being scared of the future,
the feeling of failing my parents myself and others.
that somehow i'm not good enough to be employed.
being in the camp of "i find worth in my employment status" and when that was stripped, what am i left with?

however, i've found that my options are unlimited. i can go anywhere. do whatever i want.

i'm pretty sure that people would pay sick money to be in my position at my age.
and with an endless amount of options in front of me...i took another step towards finding balance.

of getting my mind and heart right:
i had plenty of great talks and they've served push me into the right direction.

this was probably the more important thing. and it was a step in the right direction. i do have more answers than when i started the week, and i do have leads on my next step...and i have been running over different jobs and scenarios in my head.

but needless to say, these things didn't really matter in comparison to the main thing that occurred which was an understanding of that which is most important to me. &that being that I'm not going to just give up. & that also being that I'm not going to just "appease" my own self desires.

just digesting this past year and looking towards the future has caused me to really strive and think about what I want to make my life about.
and there's honestly a few things that I can think about that I really want it to be about.

but i've decided that i don't really think I can take the cold, frigid weather that both chi-town and the big apple deliver--- as I'm honestly, a weakling. i mean, if the perfect opportunity was there, then sure, but if i have a choice/say in it, the probably not.


MOST OF ALL...I don't want to die and look back and regret my life. I think that most people will do this, they'll chalk it up to whatever they want, but they're going to overall see how frivolous things were within their spectrum of life. There's nothing wrong with things in and of themselves, but it's always an issue of heart.  Where is the motivation for why you're doing x, y, and z.  This is the main question that I want to answer going forward, and i can say that I don't want to be the guy who's regretting smoking cigs cuz he wants more time with his grandchildren, but has unfortunately contracted lung cancer.  Mostly...i just want to keep my options as positive as possible. I don't want to jepordize my life in any way that it doesn't need to be.
what is a wasted life? a wasted life IMHO is one in which you knew what you should do, but pushed it off to the side because it didn't align with what you wanted.

so after talking with multiple people...i've concluded that i want to be bold and i want to be firm. i want to take everything i've learned this year, and apply it to my life...in a real&practical manner that really changes my life to give glory to God. to talk to people who have been through the tough times in life, who have been on the other side of judgement and who have been outcasted.

i need to stop caring about my wants and to let go and let God. but honestly i just want to be as real as possible...and that starts with how i live during the week. how i speak, how i spend my free time and my overall thought process.

&while I thought of this, I took another step towards finding balance.


of recovery:
it was the best saturday. just waking up. cleaning myself out with a nice morning workout and then hanging out the rest of the day. i've realized that the simple things are the things in which I derive the most pleasure. those are the things that make a big difference in my life. and those are the things in which i really do miss the most while i was working.

spending time with close friends, fam bam, and experiencing life so ... organically, was the best medicine anyone could prescribe.

"strong enough to take on the world" Teddy KGB (Rounders)

and that's how i feel. so i'm about to tear this all up. i'm about to get my work on. and there is nothing that is going to stop me. and thinking about what Grant said. i can't agree more. once i decide on what i'm going to do next...i'm going to absolutely kill/murder it. =]

"don't let me get in my zone, i'm definitely in my zone" - Kanye West (Niggas In Paris)

and while I realized that my life was good and that I am in such a good position...

and I realize how good God truly is...no matter what the situation is/has been/will be...

that is when I found a better sense of what balance truly is. 

start*
Thanks to all my coworkers and friends who have offered their kind words of wisdom, prayers, and support over the last few days. it has made me really feel loved and appreciated. you have no idea.

main point*
I got laid off from Liferay this past week on mutual terms, but it still was shocking and left me reeling.

details* 
If we’ve actually met in person, we can talk on the side.

thoughts* 
I’m grateful for the time I had there
^the opportunity of work (esp. since the economy sucks),
^the life lessons I gleamed (about myself and others),
^the friends I gained (&hope to still have in the future),
^having work as an anchor point of stability in my life as I came out of college, out of a debacle of last year, and into the real world pretty clueless what I wanted out of life...which i still partly am.

Currently in the process of creating a routine for myself (as suggested by Grant)

bullets* 

* Wake up by 9:30-10 AM

* Work out

* Spend time with Jesus telling how I have no freaking idea what I’m going to do next. He’ll probably respond in some way I don’t expect. &humble me in process further. Typical.

* Rosetta Stone Japanese; at least get through disc 1 by January.

* Read books (1 book per week)

* Eat healthy

(let me know if you have any suggestions or comments or 2 cents of advice for me... i'd love to hear from anyone and everyone...just email me at [ justintanaka@gmail.com ]:

options*

1. Evaluate and Adjust my current core beliefs:

a-choose what I do and do not want in life (being real) and 

b-choose who I do and do not want to become (if there are things to be changed about myself &there are things, no better time than now).
2. Investigate/apply for both jobs and/or grad school.
3. Investigate moving to Chicago, New York, San Francisco, or perhaps to another country such as Japan, Korea.
4. Travel for a little bit in SE Asia.

logistics need to be done within a few weeks time of the posting. i want to move on as soon as i know what i want to do next.

story*
I was dazed. My heart was beating fast. My head was hurting. It felt like I had tumbled down a stairway that looked secure and safe. I was left stunned like Princess Leia after her home planet of Alderaan was blown into nothingness. I knew most of my friends were currently studying for finals. So I called Grant to talk and helping me hash out everything that happened, he said this: 

"Well, I know that whatever you do next...you're going to absolutely kill it, that's for sure."

i agree.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice: Get busy living or get busy dying. -Andy (the shawshank redemption)

welcome to the 11.7%

Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it. - Ryan Bingham (up in the air)

some of that Yeezy real talk...

just gotta say that everytime i've read anything about kanye, i usually have nothing but respect & love for the guy.

he's figuring it out like anyone else. &it's not that i necessarily agree with all his decisions, but he's human, he recognizes it, and to me he just is like any other guy out there trying to do life and stay real about it all.

here's to Ye, for getting through these past years. glad to see you back on top.
&
here's to his mother, may she rest in peace.

interesting night.

i mean, have you ever video chatted with a random person?

my favorite part of this all was finding common ground. hahaha, and when that common ground is a mutual friend/family member...it can't be much better than that.

haha, i'm going to sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqa9G9jGvp4&feature=related#t=4m16s

watch this and produce a smile =]

“It is not living that matters, but living rightly.”

- Socrates.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/nman/best-story-book-ever-287x

i have done the impossible again. reading another book.

hahahaha, except this time, the book is 10 of 10 and i lol'd.

I can't remember the last time I actually finished a book.
Let alone devote an entire night to reading a book.
Let alone read without falling asleep within 14 minutes.

People consistently resound with high praise for "the hunger games" and its ability to catpure them unexpectedly. it's like a ninja stalking you. one minute your walking through a forest, unsuspecting, and the next, your head is rolling around like a soccer ball.

I had no idea what I had started before it was too late. I had stepped into a web of despair that only frees you after you've finished it.

After stumbling upon the trailer on reddit, i finally had a decent visual representation of it. and this was the gateway. the freaking trailer. i instantly scrambled to the nearest bookstore after work (only barnes and nobles left, gg borders) and scooped up a copy. 
i had to know how the games played out. i needed to hear it from the author without reading wikipedia or reddit to spoon feed me the answers. i didn't want this to be ruined.

I asked Ollie "out of 10, what is it?"

she replied "10"

are you joking me?! A 10!?

lets be real, this book give me a paradigm shift, but as far as entertainment comes from books, it was straight crack.  
and yes. she was right. it was a 10.
therefore any book that is a 10 from Ollie = insta-crack addiction (according to a sample size of 1)

but don't let the limited sample size fool you, Ollie knows her crack

you weren't missing from the equation this time.

it was the best. =] thanks!

one thing i've cemented in my mind from being in hawaii:

knowing my roots...

we go all around the island, and they take us as locals, but we're not.
it's flattering. but i can't take that credit away from true locals.
i'm from the mainland.

&growing up, i always wanted to be from here. have fam from here.
to be part of the culture and the people. basically, to identify with hawaii.
but-
i didn't have fam here. i only vacayed.
i wasn't part of the culture or people. just knew friends.
i knew hawaii as a destination, never as home.
that's not who i am.

i mean, if you're an islander, then you're an islander. lucky you. serio :)

but for me, i'm not. and that's what it is.
i'm not gonna front like i am.
i can't, cuz it's not who i am.
i wish, but i'm a kid from socal, who grew up in anaheim.
&i'm thankful for that.
cuz that's who i am.

i mean, I LOVE IT HERE, i really do. cuz FREAK! there's so many awesome laid back chill people.
everything is slower.
the beach is amahzing.
the food is...well...it's awesome.
they have shaved ice. all day everyday. x_X

but like anything in life...the grass is always greener...or the beach is always sunnier on the other side.

and to be honest, i wouldn't trade anything for my life, friends, and fam back in cali.

i've been way too blessed.
i've been given it all.
i wake up everyday thanking God for it all.
&that's real talk.

i didn't write out my last blog correctly

i'm just breaking my combo for going out, cuz i'm going to hawaii

haha, don't worry Russ, guys like us don't change. =D

swag.-neverme.

game.-neverme.

cool.-neverme.

HOUSE PARTY 2.-is going to be the crescendo to partying for me.

i'm turning in my badge&gun, it was fun, but i'm done.

intro-deuces.

You have to understand: most people were scared around Bezos because they were waaaay too worried about trying to keep their jobs. People in high-level positions sometimes have a little too much personal self-esteem invested in their success. Can you imagine how annoying it must be for him to be around timid people all day long? But me -- well, I thought I was going to get fired every single day. So fuck timid. Might as well aim high and go out in a ball of flame.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/110981030061712822816/posts/AaygmbzVeRq

//Quick summary about this guy, he works at google and recently released an internal memo ripping google&amazon that went viral.
//Luckily, google let him keep his job, and now he's famous.
//this is a quote from his latest follow up post
//this guy's attitude is awesome

hawaii.needs.to.come.now.

I haven't even seen footloose yet. and i probably wont for $15. lolol but this song is easily one of the better covers i've heard in recent days.

ladies, enjoy.

This is why I still have my pass.  and i thank my parents enough for NOT buying a pass for me when I was a kid. Everytime i think of my childhood. i remember the mornings when my parents would wake me with...

"Justin, guess what we're doing today...?

we're going to disneyland!!!

i still remember the rush of putting on my socks. (no where in the memory of childhood, have i ever been excited to put on my socks other than these type of days)
getting my clothes on, brushing my teeth, and being ready in less than a minute. it would normally take me 12 minutes. in fact a minute is probably too fast. but it felt like less than a minute in subjective kid time (you know 5 minutes = 1 hour, unless you're playing video games and it's reversed)

and it was on the randomest days...so i couldn't predict it...(damn my parents are smart ::scratches chin::)
my parents knew that i was about average (in terms of common sense)
and that i would be aware of my birthday coming around the corner (what kid doesn't know when their bday is...right?)
birthday coming...something good is probably going to happen...put 2 and 2 together, carry the 5 ::pause::....so that would add up to a possible birthday surprise or event or something awesome... (remember, i'm on average for common sense)
so they leveled me and chose to surprise me on random days during the year.
"clever gurrrrl"

and those are the days are i remember still, and is probably why i still love disneyland as much as i do.
&i usually got to bring a friend with me (generous parents+only child=bring a friend)
the two times i really remember were with aaron straz. and the other time was with chris tillman.

damn.
two of the best days of my childhood.

gosh, I still remember. priceless. =]

start changing.

i was thinking about this past weekend and really there has been so much on my mind.

just this past weekend, i was driving to HB to see 50/50 and i was passing westminster cemetery and i haven't been there in...i don't know how long, but a long time... and i thought about visiting my family (my entire family is buried there). so i checked the rear view and saw that it was clear; so i crossed 3 lanes and managed to get over. i then proceeded to drive around and get out where i thought the graves were, but sadly, i couldn't find them. i continued on looking, but i ran out of time....i had no idea where they were.

50/50 caused me to think of my deceased family and how death is always right around the corner. and how we just don't know when our time is up.
the movie just dug up so many things that i've had to deal with time and time again.

sidenote:
50/50 - awesome movie. best movie this year. i wont spoil any of it. but i'll talk to you if you wanna trade thoughts.

but that brings us to today's RIP.

gg steve. your commencement speech was amazing. it really resonated with me. mostly cuz, i'm pretty much in agreement with most of what you said. and to be honest, i'm going to probably have to use some of that wonderful life experience you've had and just go with my gut feeling in the years to come.

::Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.::


this one is so ill. this is one of the things i've learned first-hand through witnessing death so often in my life. 
death is the ultimate equalizer. 
it doesn't eff around, but gets right to the heart of the matter. 


if you die right now, are you satisfied with what you've done, how you've lived, and who you have become? 
such a sick question because of the answer for it.


::Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.::


ahh, wise words from a decent man. another thing i've grown to learn over the course of this year is that we are all unique in how we are made.
fact: be who God created you to be. yourself. not someone else. 
fact: no two people see EVERYTHING the same exact way and that's fine. in fact it's more than fine because it's perfect and that's how it should be. 
it tilts me so hard when i hear/see people not being who they are wired to be. i mean, who really cares? especially when they just "go with it" and "settle" and end up being someone they aren't. that's complete crap IMO. i'm not saying don't stretch/grow yourself, but how about you just be you instead. be who God wants you to be.



I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
(Psalm 139:14 ESV)


it is meant to be this way. dont be like middle man mcgee you see everyday, he's got his own life to worry about.
cut the middle man out. the only person you should try to be, is Christ.
but in this process, just be you. and be the best you possible.


::Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.::





thanks for your life steve. i'll remember your words of wisdom. 

I'm giving myself a set amount of time to write out my thoughts. ~10 minutes

whatever is transcribed is staying...i'm not re-editing this post (other than spelling). no veto power if it comes out bananas.

• Jedi vs. Sith - there's two places you can come from when you grind out life. you can be motivated by the hate, the power, the evil in the world and no doubt, this is sick motivation. it will put you over so many other people who are just in the middle and refuse to do anything. and lets get it straight, there's a lot of people who fall into the middle. who simply let life pass them by. and i definitely have been in that category. so sith is powerful, but even more so are the jedi. and although we know that they get jacked, the Jedi/Rebellion eventually wins out and it's the because of who they are. 
• Harry vs. Voldemort - ok, i wont ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen/read the phenomenon known as harry potter, but basically they're two different wizards who are trying to get rid of the other. i'm not going to claim to be a expert at either, but i'm seeing a trend right here. harry is pure. voldemort is not. lolol. they fight and apparently Harry > Voldemort. but the thing is...it's because of where they were coming from...one was bent on ruling the wizard/entire/world domination - the other was simply fighting for survival and for his family, and for his friends. motivated by love.
• WELL...i think the reason i wanted to talk about these two analogies is that both the Jedi and HP weren't the ones who desired anything other than peace. they wanted love. they wanted to be left the efff alone. and what happens when the jerk kid on the playground isn't happy with one toy, but wants two? well someone is losing in that equation and it's the person who wants peace.  however, it's never enough. the desire for power gets you only so far, but leaves you short. the hate and anger that is at the heart of this only lasts so long. it's too long and cold of a road to make it.  and you trade in everything that have in exchange for it. you have a limited amount of life. and that's yours to decide what to do with.
• all in all. i wanted to just talk about life and grinding it out. i think this past year i've been motivated mostly by spite and hate and judgement and other things this year. mostly just figuring out life and whateverrr but the point of this was simply to say that life is short. death is the ultimate equalizer, we're all headed there at some point. and that choosing what motivates you everyday is what you're ultimately giving your life to.
• is the motivation hate
• or is the motivation love.

is the motivation yourself.

or is the motivation others.

is the motivation yourself.

or is the motivation Christ.

and at the heart of this...is just what i've been going through and life isn't easy. and i'm not perfect. and i'm learning all the time.

i have to make this moment count. so i'm going to make tomorrow count.

i'm going to make right now count.

and i'm going to make my life count.

it's going to be something. and i'm not (time ran out here...but i'll finish my thought) going to let it just pass me by. i'm going to put myself out there and not be afraid to fall because i'm going to keep getting back up and keep going and keep grinding and it's cuz i started to realize that i could care less what everyone else thinks, i'm not stopping.

Vidivodo.com : schindlers list ending  Etiket: schindler list ending

There's something that will always grip me at my soul by this scene.
just so sick.

Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
Itzhak Stern: You did so much.
[Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people.
[removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this.
[sobbing]
"i could've gotten one more person, and i didn't...i didn't."

so i thought of these two jokes. tell me what you think.

what is chris brown's favorite breakfast item?

EGGO!

what was his favorite toy growing up?

LEGO!

=] hope you like.

I move onward, the only direction.

Can't be scared to fail, searchin' perfection.

I've concluded that everyday i want to make myself better than i was at the beginning of the day.  And then looking back on my life, i'll see the desired change.


let me say that i've wanted to change multiple times in my life, although, not much change ever happened. i had no drive or motivation deep down. explains why i was kind of indifferent regarding life/school everything.


there are a few categories that i'm going to be trying to place my effort:


1. Losing Weight
2. Putting in my 110% at work
3. Upping my game
4. Traveling
5. making God "the from, through, and to."

you want something, but you aren't willing to put in the effort to do it the right way to get it.

i've always wanted the shortcut. the easy way. 

i wanted the crown w/o the fight.


which translates into my rep/character...cuz i want the same respect that others had to sacrifice for: the $, time, or effort that goes into the fact that i want props where props aren't deserved

lesson:
don't skip steps, or else, you be trippin.

it's decent. edited. worthy of a shout out.

"i be going HAM, shawty, upgrade from baloney" lolol.

over the course of last year, one of my best friends was talking to me about life and she was just telling me about her life and how's she's changed, matured, and grown spiritually. i was happy for her, but i didn't really understand what she was talking about. that was until i experienced the process known as maturity [and it's crazy stuff. crazy like a fox.].

tbh, i can't agree with her more. this past year coming out of college, working, etc. i have learned and grown in so many different ways. it's kinda weird, and i'm just grateful that it's finally happening.  maturity, feels so good.

&yeah, i'm feeling on top of the world.

Thus cue God to insta-deconstruct my ego.

i was at disneyland last night and i nearly lost my wallet. it had come out of my back pocket while exiting the train at big thunder. i noticed it was gone while reaching to buy a water at the gate walking out. i couldn't freaking believe it was not there. i was frantic. our group split to check indy and thunder. mike and carrie went back with me, and thankfully, they had it at thunder. OMG. i couldn't believe it. Praise God.

3 things stood out to me during this process:

1) mike saechang pointing me towards the cross - he did this by saying a prayer asking that God would look out for me and that they would have my wallet - then after when it did happen, just saying to me, "see we ask and we'll receive" this whole process made a great impression upon me. not like chiding or scolding me in the situation for my negligence, but encouraging me towards Christ in the moment. awesome. just awesome.

2) time is precious - just the gross feeling of thinking about replacing everything within the wallet. it's not really the money within the wallet that would've hurt the most, but the time that i'd lose because of replacing the items within it. - time is just so precious, i hate losing minutes to things that can be avoided. after working for a little bit now, i've realized that time has to be managed wisely because i have so little after work/sleep; thus having flexibility in any situation is necessary.

3) coming back to the place of humility before God- knowing that at any moment, i'm able to be instantly humbled by the creator / savior of this world. in just so many things, my wallet, my health were two i was thinking about as my elbow was annoying me as well
...and to know that no matter what, we only get this life, and if life isn't stewarded correctly. we'll miss out on a wealth of blessings.

just realizing that no matter what my circumstances, i always need to come back to the cross whenever I think of it, to humble myself and repent and realize that no matter what I've done, it's all by God's grace that i'm living and breathing and changing.

 No Levels by DJ abSRD

been on repeat for the past day.

this is going to be this weekends theme. see y'all when i get back. gg life.

a friend and i were watching a movie who's title is unimportant at the moment. let's just say it may or may not deal with a ship that's sinking while two lovers are fighting to stay alive in the atlantic sea circa 1912. (grant, did i do it right?)

but basically as this possible ship is sinking, the main male protagonist (lets call him jack) is able to think and verbalize about what will happen when the ship goes under, as they are hanging onto the railing for their lives.  he summarizes that they'll need to hold their breath because the boat will take them under, and that they need to swim up immediately...etc.

it is in this scene, where my friend made a comment that will be well remembered by me: "you know what is amazing is jack's clarity in this situation.  he's able to see beyond the frenzy and is able to do what needs to be done"

and although this is just a analogy, it has become something that i've prayed for over the past year or so. i wanted clarity so that i could see beyond whatever was directly in front of me, and be able to see the big picture. and to my surprise, i've been able to see so many things. and not just the ability to see, but to understand as well.

i only mention this because i've realized that ife is so utterly short.

friends, how good it is to live!

&still, how much better is a life with Christ!

it's a weird thought. that in life, when one is doing well, growing in their walk, Christ is shown as great.
yet it is through our weakest, darkest moments, when Christ is shown greatest.

it was in this past year, i've gone through many issues, but the overwhelming endpoint that i've concluded is that God is good. he works all things together for his glory. and life is but a flash, here and then gone.

bitterness has no place in my life.

it's never about falling down.

it's never about striking out.

it's never about losing.

it's about what you do after those things happen.

HIGH

OFF

LIFE

DON'T

NEED

A

PILL

IN

THERE.

("had to" include ray ray and gmiz; miss you guys)